Human Racing: The Struggle IS Real
Think of something you should do for your ultimate good but don’t do - or haven’t done consistently. Maybe it’s exercising. Maybe it’s budgeting. Maybe it’s drinking more water, or getting more sleep. Maybe it’s something finite, like leaving a stagnant partnership or a toxic job.
So…why haven’t you? Why don’t you? You know you should. You know doing so would yield health, wellness, success, and fulfillment, get you closer to where you [presumably] want to be.
Okay, grilling over. I’m willing to bet you have at least one “reason” (clearly solid enough to keep you from doing the thing(s) because…they have kept you). I’m not the judge. I’m not here to accept or reject those reasons - I’m here to offer perspective.
Let’s start with working out. Perhaps you lack motivation, or energy. Maybe you’re overwhelmed with where to start. Maybe you have lingering injuries. Maybe you’ve resigned yourself to your current “fitness” level.
Maybe you are depressed and emotionally spend, just for a quick pick-me-up. Maybe your parents lived beyond their means and taught you credit card debt is simply a way of modern life. Maybe you feel you DESERVE the finer things in life, and are determined to have them, regardless the size of your bank account.
Okay, now what if you actually have been doing those things? Maybe you HAVE been disciplined. Maybe you HAVE been busting your butt in the gym. Maybe you have been spending responsibly and saving money. Maybe you have been hydrating and prioritizing sleep - yet your results don’t reflect your work.
Maybe you lack the muscle definition you feel your efforts your warrant, despite giving it your all in the gym six days a week (3 of those with a personal trainer) and fully adhering to your nutritionist’s guidance. You’re frustrated and exhausted - and disheartened as you compare yourself to your friend who drinks like a fish, survives on junk food, avoids the fitness world, and yet still maintains a four-pack of abs. You’re maxing out on people’s snide comments and “helpful” suggestions for fitness and diet regimens. If they only knew how hard you’ve been working! WHY is there such a disconnect between your efforts and your results?
Maybe you’ve been tracking spending, avoiding unnecessary expenses, working extra jobs, yet still not seeing your savings account grow. You’ve been cooking your meals, DIYing your projects, and managing your time, and STILL not financially secure. It seems every time you turn around, unexpected expenses arise: medical bills, car repairs, home expenses, etc. Perhaps times have been especially tough since being economically affected by the pandemic. Whatever the factor(s), no matter how much you labor and wisely you manage your money, you just can’t get ahead. You’re barely surviving, and even that’s in jeopardy.
What if you prioritized your sleep and jealously guarded it? You practiced impeccable sleep hygiene and sacrificed social events to ensure adequate shut eye - yet were still constantly dragging?
Life happens, right? Sure, some of it we can control, through habits and mindset. But what about what we can’t control? What if we have a medical condition impeding our ability to exercise or lose weight? We may look okay to outside observers, but in reality, we’re battling chronic fatigue, or asthma, or debilitating pain. We may have severe depression or anxiety, or PTSD, impacting our ability to function. We could have raging insomnia and no drug, device, or dogma has resolved it, so we live life in a sleep-deprived blur, doing what we can just to make it through each day. Others deem us lazy and unmotivated and responsible for our lack of “progress.”
Okay, you get the idea. I could rattle off countless more possibilities and conditions beyond our control.
Yes, we all have challenges and obstacles. Maybe you feel like you’ve lived a relatively charmed life. Maybe you feel you’ve had a moderate amount of trials. Maybe you feel like you really got screwed and that you’ve had a disproportionate number of (continuing) hardships. Sometimes that’s our reality - sometimes it’s simply our mindset.
Think of someone you personally know - or even just someone you’ve read/heard about - who seems to get punched again and again by life. Loss after loss, while those around them make it through life relatively unscathed.
Now think of groups of people who seem perpetually stuck: touched by crime, poverty, drugs, etc. Generation after generation, the majority of these groups’ individuals stay down. If only they’d try harder, right? If only they’d work harder and complain less. If only they’d take responsibility for their lives and quit mooching. If only they’d “lift themselves up by their bootstraps.” If only they’d stop making excuses for why they aren’t where they want to be.
Speaking of excuses for not being where one wants to be…does that sound familiar? Let’s circle back to the start of this post (thanks for staying with me this long!). Think of your own life. Are you where you want to be, in EVERY single way? If not - why not?
Could anyone look at your life and say you are succeeding in every possible way?
Of course not. Why of course not? Because for one, nobody is perfect. For two, people have varying definitions of success, and they’re often not aligned. One’s definition of success is largely dependent on their culture, their insecurities, their mindset, their history - and a number of other influential factors. My personal definition of success (and happiness) may differ from a hustling businessperson’s, or a worshipping zealot’s. For three, people can’t and don’t know every thing about your life: every silent struggle you’ve overcome, every private victory you’ve achieved, every obstacle you’ve faced. Therefore, they can’t accurately judge you and your “success.” Besides, who are they to judge your success?
And along that line of reasoning…who are WE to judge others’? Who are we to say what others could and should do/not do? Who are we to assess others’ progress?
Think of something that happened in your past - or even your family’s past - that still affects you now, personally/professionally/financially/emotionally. Maybe a cheating business partner, or disabled family member, or negligent caregiver. Ripple effects, right?
Maybe a teacher’s careless remark designating you as “dumb” was enough to kill your sense of self-efficacy and hopes of ever being intelligent, educated, or making something of yourself. Something so simple right? Yet…SO.POWERFUL.
Maybe it was something as major as growing up in an environment with filled with addiction, dysfunction, and destitution, and you took it upon yourself to raise and support not only yourself, but your younger siblings, changing the trajectory of your life.
Think of the last time you were ravenous, and were so consumed by hunger you couldn’t think of or do anything else. What if you experienced this daily, as many kids do? Think of the cumulative impact this would have on your schoolwork, on your relations, on your ambitions. On your health and development.
Think of the last time you were emotionally distraught, or significantly stressed - particularly due to a personal matter. Think of the reaching impact this can have.
Think of kids being kept up all night, night after night, with abusive parents, then having to attend school. Think of how this would affect their schoolwork, their psyche, their relationships - now and in the future. And before you condemn the parents - think of them being subjected to similar experiences in their youth, setting them up to repeat the cycle - life as they know it.
So you see how even past atrocities and problems and issues can still be felt and seen in the present. Generational trauma is a thing. Cycles are a thing.
Now think of just the regular “bangs and bruises” all humans normally accumulate in life, affecting how we view and live life and how easy/hard it seems to do so. Think of your own, especially bruises perhaps of which only you are aware; bruises that may seem minor, yet still keep you from doing what you need/want to do.
Could people technically overcome? Sure. There are others who have defied the odds, triumphed over tribulations, transcended the difficult - who have proven it possible. And yes, those overcomers should be applauded and celebrated. But is it fair to expect - demand - the same outcome for all? To blame those who fall short of that? To disregard the contributing, relevant factors for one’s current position?
We don’t all start at the same starting line. There’s one human race - but there’s not one race for humans. We’re not all participating in the same “race” (and let’s bag the concept of us racing each other anyway, yeah? It’s ludicrous, misleading, depressing, and hindering) - so why would we hold everyone to the same mile markers? Why would we not account for people’s starting points?
One of the main takeaways here is there is an infinite number of factors determining why we are the way we are. No matter how similar two people are, they are never quite the same. Thus, it’s unreasonable, unfair, and illogical to think we can truly and accurately judge another, let alone entire demographics of people.
Generalizing is often dangerous, and unwise - for multiple reasons. Let’s see the humans in our humanity. Let’s see the individual, and the unique stories we each have. Let’s respect our individual blend of ingredients we each have.
Does this mean I don’t believe in self-realization and independence? Definitely not. I absolutely believe in the power of hard work, responsibility, resilience, discipline, tenacity, mindset, and playing the hand we were dealt. But I also believe in grace. In being slow to criticize and fast to empathize. As with anything else in life, I believe it’s about balance. And love. Always love.
love you.
-w-
Discrimination Series Part 1: Waking Up
This is the first installment of the Discrimination Series. If you’d rather listen, this content is also available on The Nativist Podcast: Episode 36: Discrimination Series Part 1: Waking Up.
I was talking to a friend and had an epiphany: I’ll call it the school of life analogy. Whether we accept each other or not, we are all members of one giant group: humans. Together, WE are SOCIETY. I believe with that comes inherent responsibilities: to act in the common good, to look out for one another, and to pull our weight by contributing to our collective welfare. Sure, we often have wildly differing ideas of how to execute those duties, or whether those duties even exist. And if you’ve ever done a group project, you know: just because there are assignments doesn’t mean everyone will pitch in. Work distribution is usually uneven, with some carrying the group, some doing the bare minimum, and some just checking out entirely - with variations in between. And as is typical with school, we all have other classes/lessons/assignments, for our own personal development. We have our own goals/sub goals. We belong to subgroups, participate in extracurriculars. We have different home lives - often including complicating factors: poverty/abuse/unstable relationships/health issues/aptitudes/etc. These all impact our school performance. The good news is: I believe our head teacher (I know this is a point of debate) knows and considers all of these factors when assigning the grade (or maybe we don’t even get graded - another convo for another day). But let’s ask ourselves: If the particular group assignment was, say, racism, where would you fall on the group contribution spectrum?
I for one know I could step it up. Yes, I’m acutely aware - and have been for most of my life - of pervasive and persistent racism and discrimination. Yes, I continually research and educate myself on the topic. Seek perspectives. Self reflect and ask myself hard questions. Consider the micro and macro pictures/factors. Express outrage and disgust when talking to others. But if I’m honest with myself…that’s the bare minimum. I can - and will - do more. It’s not enough to be privately anti-racist. Clearly, that hasn’t moved the needle enough. We must be publicly and actively anti-racist. If you’re unsure of how I go about that, you’re in the right place. Come with me as we dive into this, by asking questions, considering views, sharing resources, and assessing possibilities. Follow along on this account/my blog/podcast. Human power. ✊✊🏻✊🏼✊🏽✊🏾✊🏿
I know it can feel heavy/overwhelming to wade into the ugly of the world. There’s a lot of shit that happens in the world. Injustices/tragedy/etc. It’s not an upper. Trust me - I get it. I often see the worst of the worst through my job, and often try to offset it by limiting (NOT eliminating!) my exposure and by watching/reading lighter fare (feel-good movies, rom coms, comedies - you get it).
Think of the lingering effects of oppression. This applies to so many. Let’s focus on Native Americans and blacks. We created the problems and set the trajectory, then told them to take personal responsibility and get over it. We stole their land, stole their bodies and dignity, ripped them from their home and displaced them, etc. We subjected them to horror after horror (separated families, intentionally infected them with smallpox via blankets - yeah, awful stuff).
It’s the ugly truth.
We traumatized them in unspeakable ways, and trauma like that doesn’t just disappear on command, with the snap of your fingers. It lingers. It perpetuates. It ripples out to future generations. It generates substance abuse, violence, debilitating mental health issues. It affects socioeconomic status. It ignites vicious cycles. Think of your own emotional baggage from childhood - we pretty much all have had it, even if our parents were loving and wonderful. Now add another 100lbs to that baggage. See? Past actions set these people on a certain trajectory. Yes, they can overcome it. Yes, we should own our lives and not play the victim. But COME ON - let’s be aware and empathetic and realistic. This analogy might help put it in perspective.
Human Race Analogy
Let’s say there’s a race - a human race if you will (man, my puns and analogies just won’t stop). At the start of the race, far before the finish line, someone dug a mile-deep hole, dumped you and a few others in without a ladder or obvious/easy means of escape, then told you to stop feeling sorry for yourself and perpetuating your condition, and get the heck out. Your numbers end up multiplying, and you do your damndest to escape the hole via various strategies: pooling resources, muscling your way out, innovating new methods, etc. Meanwhile, the oppressors from above constantly douse you with water, or throw things at you. Some of you do make it out, by sheer luck/will/resilience/cleverness/etc. Some die trying. Some make it to the top - only to be shoved back again. A few actually make it over the “finish line.”
In any outcome - is it a fair race? Is it fair to be judged on par with those who didn’t have a giant abyss to escape, even if they had their own obstacles? Is it fair to be told you just didn’t try hard enough? You’re just not competent enough, or smart enough? To quit whining - we all have our difficulties? We all have to work to cross the finish line? Just like with race and white privilege (and sex/male privilege!), just because you don’t have that advantage doesn’t mean your accomplishments are diminished or your life isn’t easy. Maybe you have a sprained ankle, no legs, no sight, etc. It just means that a certain element of your life (eg race/sex) wasn’t making it hard.
We can still celebrate each other’s wins...but why not lend a helping hand? There are no race rules saying we can’t build a giant ladder and stick it into the abyss, to help others up, or block others from impeding others. We can share our water/food/tips/other resources with our fellow racers.
Some racers have the advantage of premium personal coaching. Some have the best gear, and obsessively train/study to optimize performance and finish first. Some prefer to go it alone, while others take a more social approach and join running groups. Some loathe running and would rather lift weights, or play. Some alternate walking and running, some only walk. Some crawl. Some backtrack. Some are more interested in pre-gaming/tailgating. Some are consumed busy helping/carrying others. Some stop short of the finish line, doubting their worthiness/readiness to finish. Possibly fearing/dreading the accompanying pressure/recognition/responsibility. Some feel more comfortable working and disciplining themselves, and circle back to run it again.
There are many different causes/individuals needing our help. We can’t do it all. We can’t physically/emotionally carry/support them all, simultaneously/continually. We also have to care for ourselves. But we can pull our weight. Do our part. Work together. Leverage skills/resources.
Can we really feel good about a race that is so glaringly uneven and unfair? Where’s our collective sense of duty and compassion? And if the race is timed (ie lifetime) and we don’t cross the finish line (what even is the finish line?), does that mean our lives/accomplishments were any less valuable/respectable? What if they were more so? What if individual “finishes” and “wins” didn’t count? What if the true objective/way to win was to cross collectively? To level the playing field and help others so we could all finish?
Again, what is winning? What is success? Man, this just got really deep. But it’s a crucial question to ask ourselves. What does success mean to me? What am I willing to do/sacrifice? What motivates me? Am I so focused on my lane/pace that I don’t notice another’s struggle? Am I willing to show my “progress” to help them? Am I comparing myself to others? Am I competing with myself?
Have you ever been mistreated and held a grudge? Even if you forgave the person, immediately or eventually, you likely didn’t forget, right? Imagine if that person had done something egregious, on a large scale: against your family. They stole your family’s home and belongings, leaving you homeless and destitute. When you sought recourse, the police said that’s the way it is.
Unfortunately, people commonly don’t care unless it directly affects them. So, ask yourself what you would do if your loved one were a casualty (literally or figuratively) of the system? Of systemic discrimination? Honesty is crucial here.
As we have these hard but essential and long-overdue conversations, let’s check our egos. Realize it’s a raw, inflammatory topic, with deep wounds. We’ll likely say the wrong thing. Misunderstand and be misunderstood. Be regarded as our race’s representatives, and get taken to task and held accountable for that race’s past and present injustices. We’ll likely be led to confront our own biases and missteps, and contribution (even if unintentional) to those injustices.
But it’s not about us. So let’s remember the big picture and transcend our ego. These are necessary steps on the path to healing and change - and pale in comparison to the “discomfort” and pain and sorrow - much of which has been building for many, many years and generations. When pressure is finally released, it’s rarely “clean” and “precise” and fit to preference/comfort. After all the ugliness and tragedy and disrespect so many have endured and are enduring, the very least we could do is feel temporary discomfort, and suspend our personal feelings while we learn about what’s been done and what needs to be done. So let’s lean into humility and love, and prioritize the highest good.
Wherever you are on the “woke” spectrum (I included this emotional guidance scale as a guide), what matters most is you keep learning, keep growing, keep engaging, keep moving forward, keep caring. Some days you’ll be all lit up and ready to go, and some days you’ll feel nearly extinguished. But please - do what you must to keep that flame alive. The world needs you. Not to save it by yourself, but to join forces as we save it together.
We must keep raising awareness, in ourselves and others.
I used to say - and mean! - it’s really hard to offend me.
Well, that luxury is long gone. I’m offended. Too much has gone on and is going on. For far too long (like...hundreds of years too long).
As you may know, I’m committed to being apolitical. But some issues extend beyond politics + partisanship + are simply about humanity.
I hope we can all agree on the fact that discrimination exists (remember this later). If you disagree, let me catch you up to speed: it does, in various forms: against race/sex/religion/sexual orientation/etc. It’s not necessarily about one’s personal beliefs - it’s about whether those beliefs harm/impact another.
Addressing these issues can be tricky. I recognize it can feel like people misperceive/dramatize/inflate certain examples or situations. Seeing problems where there aren’t any. You may feel like people make a mountain out of a molehill, or turn a non-issue into an issue.
The truth is...if we feel like that, that’s exactly when we need to check ourselves, because that almost always indicates privilege. I know privilege can be an inflammatory, triggering word.
Please hear me out. Remember how it’s generally accepted discrimination exists, in various forms? That’s the bottom line, our tether, our unifying thread. Home base. It’s where we return if we feel frustrated with others who disagree on how/where/when/why discrimination manifests. Because there are a LOT of different views there. If you’re discussing this with others, you’ll pretty much inevitably be called/regarded as too sensitive/contentious/ignorant/etc. Touchy subject, amIRite?
But please - if you’re not offended/disturbed by all that’s going on - that’s a neon sign. Please - ask yourself why.
PLEASE know I still value + prioritize holding space for everyone to express themselves + their views. That’s how true connection + understanding + transformation happens - on ALL sides.
Hearing others. Learning from others. Keeping your eyes + mind + heart open.
But also letting the highest good for ALL be your North Star and guiding light. Staying grounded in that objective.
Thank you for reading. Thank you for caring.
x,
w
D E T O X
Photos by Abbey Armstrong Photography
Color edited by me
The other day I was talking with a friend about dealing with toxic people in our lives.
We’ve all experienced negativity in our lives. That’s showbiz. And by showbiz, I mean LIFE. It’s part of the gig! And sometimes, that negativity is more chronic/severe, bumping it to the toxic zone.
“You cannot heal in the same environment where you got sick.”
Sporadic negativity is to be expected. Navigating life can be tough, man, and there are so many contributing factors to negativity: change/loss/curveballs/hormones. Ideally we’ll get to a place where we live what the Stoics preach: being solidly at peace no matter what happens. That’s a journey and a whole other conversation, so let’s table that for this post’s purpose.
Back to handling toxicity, particularly when it comes to toxic people in our lives. I’m a firm believer in empathizing with unacceptable behavior but not condoning it.
Let’s unpack the first part of that: empathy. Everyone has bumps and bruises they’ve accumulated from being, you know…HUMAN. And let’s face it, some people get dealt realllly shitty hands. It doesn’t seem fair, right? And comparison is futile. Not everyone’s challenges are equal and they don’t have the same effect on everybody. Again, there are multiple contributing factors (history, current emotional/physical/mental state, etc). What’s tough for me may be easy for you, and vice versa. And what may have been a breeze for you in the past may knock you down now. Life isn’t necessarily linear.
“Empathy lies in our ability to be present without opinion.”
And some people are carrying some heavy burdens we know nothing about, driving them to act in certain ways, like lashing out/getting irritable/becoming erratic, etc. Our exterior (including our behavior) is a reflection of our interior. Our fears/insecurities have a way of hijacking us and driving our behavior. So let’s recognize this in one another and try not to judge/condemn/dismiss/etc. We’re all human and we’re all in this together, doing the best we can. Truly! We don’t get to decide what qualifies as someone else’s best; it’s different for everyone and is affected by what load the person is currently carrying. If that load is heavy from fears and insecurities, it’ll weigh the person down to the point where they’re exhausting all effort and energy to merely stay afloat. We’re not privy to all that adds to the load; therefore, we’re not fit to rule on it. And sometimes, a mental health matter is causing the issue.
Once we’ve empathized, now we can address how to handle the toxicity. It’s entirely possible to empathize with behavior, but not condone it. Understanding where people are coming from and why they do what they do, is not the same as rubber stamping their actions and saying it’s okay. For example, let’s say you have a friend who constantly competes with you. Rather than celebrating your wins, they minimize your accomplishment, or try to one up you. Digging into it, you discover this is because of your friend’s insecurity and need for validation, having been raised to believe one’s worth is conditional. This leads to your friend constantly seeking validation to “earn” their worth, and to prove to themself and others they are worthy of love and acceptance. This also results in a scarcity mindset, believing the more success you have, the less they will have.
And/or let’s say you have a partner who regularly criticizes you and puts you down. You realize this is because of your partner’s own feelings of inadequacy and shame, and because your partner is mimicking the dynamic they saw with their own parents.
“Empathy without boundaries is self destruction.”
Okay, so we get it: There are reasons why people act the way we do, and it’s key to invite humanity into the situation and view it with love. BUT this is also where boundaries are crucial. To fully love ourselves AND others, it is vital we set and maintain boundaries. If someone crosses a line, we respond accordingly. This can be hard, I know - but it’s like a muscle: the more you exercise it, the stronger it will be. And boundaries help us eliminate anger/frustration/shame/resentment to make room for more love/joy/compassion. Like Brené Brown says, boundaries are essential for true compassion.
“If someone resists and challenges boundaries you set, it’s more evidence the boundaries are necessary.”
So stand up for yourself. Accommodating toxicity is a disservice to all involved. It’s unfair to you, because you shouldn’t have to put up with that, and it’s unfair to them because it perpetuates the cycle, shows them it’s okay to treat people like garbage, and prevents them from healing and evolving. It’s unfair to you to not honor the negativity’s impact on you.
“Stop holding onto toxic people just because you have history together. Stop holding onto toxic habits because you find comfort and security in routine.”
Addressing it can be complicated, and I think should be on a case-by-case basis. It’s key to consider where people are mentally and emotionally. Sometimes the person acknowledges and stops their toxicity and remains in your life. And sometimes, unfortunately, for your wellbeing, it requires removing them from your life. Sometimes this communicates to them the severity of the situation and the strength of your boundaries and is enough to motivate them to change their ways. And sometimes…it’s a permanent farewell.
“Sometimes you must forget how you feel and think of what you deserve.”
Maybe it comes down to their role/significance in your life, and/or the degree of toxicity. If it’s an acquaintance, it’s easier to minimize contact and love from afar. If it’s a coworker/close friend/partner/someone more fully integrated into your life, minimizing contact isn’t always a viable option. If the toxicity is serious enough, this may require a significant shift in your life. Prioritize your wellbeing over your connection. Just because someone is blood/best friend/spouse doesn’t mean they deserve to be in your life. YOU design your life and what/who goes in it. Sometimes, the greatest act of love is cutting contact and loving from afar.
“Sometimes you have to realize some people can stay in your heart but not your life.”
Or maybe simply a gentle but frank convo is warranted. Ideally they’ll take it well, but if they don’t, you can rest assured you handled it maturely and gracefully, and honored the highest good.
And please - do what feels right to you. People will likely offer advice on what you should do, but you are the boss here. You get to decide. Sure, possibly seek insight from those you trust, but ultimately, it’s up to you.
“Sometimes you have to be done. Not mad, not upset, just done.”
And guess what? An unfortunate truth is sometimes…we’re the toxic one. We’re the one who needs to change our ways. This is why shadow work and self reflection are so dang important: to prevent our “stuff” from infecting our environment. If you’re not right with yourself, this impacts those around you. Your toxicity pollutes not only your inner being and those around you, but also the collective human psyche of which you are an inseparable part. Eckhart Tolle discusses this is in his powerful book, The Power of Now. So sometimes that hard convo and tough love need to be directed at ourselves. Or sometimes others let us know we’ve violated their boundaries. Not fun to hear, but it’s a chance to heal, to grow, and to lean into love.
So let’s show up for ourselves and others and commit to toxic-free life.
xx,
-w-
Copy of d a r k . 2. L I G H T
Concept and images by me
Model: Byron Hunt
“I don’t live in darkness. Darkness lives in me.”
We’ve all faced darkness. Sure, some more than others but we’ve all been there, experiencing it ourselves/encountering it in others.
We’ve also all experienced challenges and struggles; again, to varying degrees.
It doesn’t matter who you are or how much you have in your bank account. It doesn’t matter if your social life is poppin’ or if your abs pop. Darkness is equal opportunity. It affects people of all classes, of all races, of all backgrounds.
Some people have enough inner light to repel it. Yeah, they might feel down and out for a bit, but ultimately, the light triumphs. Glow baby glow.
For some people, the darkness permeates, and sometimes it’s harder to shake.
It doesn’t matter what your experiences are - being a human can be tough stuff! Just as we’re advised not to compare our highlight reels - we also should avoid comparing our “lowlight reels” so to speak. Our behind the scenes. Our challenges and obstacles. Our sucker punches life throws us.
We’re all on different journeys, with different psyches and pasts and mindsets and cumulative experiences. Maybe you’re a single parent eking out a life for yourself and your young. Maybe you’re a cancer patient fighting to keep a smile on your face and a resolve in your heart. Maybe you’re a teenager navigating your way in a world of bullies and heartbreaks. Or maybe you have a fantastic life by all general standards yet still feel empty.
“How beautiful is the relationship between the moon and the dark night sky. So contrasting, yet so incomplete without each other.”
It’s all hard!! Try not to compare your “hard” and try not to feel guilty for feeling knocked down by life sometimes.
Just accept! Accept your emotions. The more you deny yourself feeling them, the stronger they become. As they say, what you resist, persists.
Life offers ebbs and flows. Peaks and valleys. No two experiences are the same - even within your own life! It depends on your current mental/emotional state.
Think about it - sometimes an issue that would normally knock you on your face barely fazes you, while other times, merely dropping a pen can elicit instant rage and a “F M L!!!!!!!!!!”
And the comparison can flow the other way too! Try not to diminish/discredit others’ experiences. Just because someone hasn’t confronted the same quantity/quality of challenges as you doesn’t mean their life is easier. Like I said, it depends on their current mental/emotional state, which depends on multiple factors: their upbringing, their relationships, their health, etc. Shoot, even their current spot on the hanger scale! We truly have NO idea what people are working with and feeling. So let’s all hug - or at least high five - one another - and show kindness and empathy.
It fascinates me how we all have inner worlds to which no one else is privy. Every time I pass someone on the street, I want to know their story: challenges they’ve overcome, accomplishments they’ve achieved, etc. WE ALL HAVE STORIES.
I myself have experienced my own share of darkness. I’m definitely an empath, so when i feel, I friggin’ F E E L. And I take on other people’s energies/emotions. This sensitivity is both a benefit and a drawback. I appreciate it because it allows me to relate to and care for people on a whole other level (you fellow empaths can relate!), but it also gets me down and stresses me out. I feel the injustices of the world so acutely, particularly as they apply to others. Almost always, when I’m bumming/stressing, it’s on another’s behalf.
I’m still working on setting the boundaries for worrying about others, but as far as my personal darkness - my tried and true method for banishing the blues and maintaining a lasting zest for life - no matter my current situation - is facing it. Not denying it, or fleeing it, or resisting it. Leaning into it. Analyzing it. Letting others in. I’m a big advocate for therapy (and if you’ve tried therapy but didn’t connect with your therapist - keep looking! Vibing with your therapist is key).
And finally, be G R A T E F U L. Gratitude is deceptively powerful. So simple, so cliche…yet SO TRANSFORMATIVE. It truly makes all the difference. It may take significant effort initially to adopt an appreciative mindset. It’s a muscle you must strengthen, but the more you do it, the easier it gets.
My trick is whenever I encounter a sucky situation or draining emotion, I think of three things for which I’m thankful. It’s straight MAGIC. It kicks those good vibes into gear and lights you right up.
No, really. Try it.
I also think of three ways the situation could be worse - and THAT also is profoundly effective. Suddenly, you’re feeling pretty dang good about your current status.
“To deny your broken bits is doing yourself a great deal of injustice. It is the broken parts of you that grew you the most.”
You’ve heard it before but that’s because it’s da TRUTH: Every challenge/obstacle/hardship you face is a b l e s s i n g. It’s an opportunity to grow and evolve. To get smarter, stronger, and better. To relate to others and inform your future experiences.
Acknowledge, accept, and honor your challenges. Be grateful for them, for they’re specifically what you need to evolve. Customized launch pads to strength, success, and wisdom.
xx,
-w-
*This post is not meant to discredit the use of psychotropics. Take control of your own health and please also consider consulting a psychiatrist/other mental health professional if necessary!
l i s t e n UP
Images by Brooke Richardson Photography
“Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak; courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen.”
Listening is a superpower.
How many conversations have you had where the other person dominates the conversation and you leave thinking, “I know allll about their latest vacation/hobby/issue, but they know nothing about my life as of late?
Not so fulfilling.
On the flip side, have you ever had someone invest their total time and attention in you, and you walk away feeling heard and respected?
Mega fulfilling.
“Being heard is so close to being loved that for the average person, they are almost indistinguishable.”
To listen well, try pausing before disagreeing, or giving advice, or referencing your own experience. Sure, doing these other actions can be useful, but listening is paramount. Assess the need for the other actions. Listening is the priority, and the others should merely complement and support.
Active listening is encouraged! Some ways to actively listen:
Nod
Make eye contact
Lean forward
Supply (genuine!) verbal affirmations like “Sure”/“Thank you”/“I understand”
Paraphrase
“The first duty of love is to listen.”
Something I struggle with is interrupting - I’m constantly aware of and working on this with myself. My interrupting does come from a good place, however. I interrupt not because I deem what I have to say superior, but because I get so stoked on what the other is saying and it’s my way of “actively listening.” Showing I’m engaged and invested. This can easily be misperceived, though (and can be downright O B N O X I O U S and distracting) so I strive to minimize (and ultimately eliminate) my insertions. I always notice and appreciate when someone pays me the respect of attentively listening sans interruptions - my friends are brilliant at it.
“If you want to be listened to, you should put in time listening.”
And if you find yourself rattling on because you feel socially awkward and unsure of what to speak about - and talking about yourself is your default because you are your most familiar topic - there’s a win/win solution for that! A simple hack is to provide a bit of information about yourself (eg “I’m so pumped for skiing this year”) and then turning it to the other person(s) (eg “Do you ski or board?”). Prefacing with a fact about yourself makes it easy and effective for multiple reasons:
Contributes a familiar topic to work with and solves the problem of where to start
Makes you relatable and breaks the ice for the other person to share
Allows an opportunity to segue into related topics
Lets you off the hook from carrying the conversation, as many people like talking about themselves (for whatever reason - like you, they are most well-versed themselves/they have something to say/etc)
It establishes a natural flow
“Be a good listener. Your ears will never get you in trouble.”
What about those situations where people confide a heartbreak or challenge or stressor they’re facing? Don’t knock yourself out trying to come up with the perfect response/solution. Unless they expressly ask you, “What should I do?” more often than not, people simply crave a listening ear. Receiving their words with empathy and love is far more powerful than the wisest and timeliest response. Simply holding that space for them and allowing them to vent and feel their emotions can make all the difference and be more beneficial than “solving” their problem.
“The most basic and powerful way to connect to another person is to listen. Just listen. Perhaps the most important thing we ever give each other is our attention... A loving silence often has far more power to heal and to connect than the most well-intentioned words.”
If silence unnerves you, try to learn to be comfortable with it. Don’t rush to finish the other’s faltering sentence, or fill the gaps. This isn’t about you/your comfort - it’s about them. Allowing them the space to express themselves. Or just sit in supportive silence; simply your presence may suffice.
“I remind myself every morning: Nothing I say this day will teach me anything. So if I’m going to learn, I must do it by listening.”
“When you talk, you are only repeating what you already know. But if you listen, you may learn something new.”
I firmly believe we all have something to learn from one another (even if it’s how to have patience!). Running your mouth about what you know is definitely not the way to go about obtaining that knowledge from others. Even (or especially!) when you think you’re an expert on a topic - you’ll likely be surprised what you gain if you’re humble enough to sit back and listen/observe another’s perception regarding it. Maybe you’ll glean a different angle you hadn’t considered. This is where an open mind is K E Y. Try listening to learn, rather than listening to confirm [your current opinion]. At the very least, hearing the other side out will only strengthen your own position.
Removing your ego from the equation is crucial. Resist the temptation to flex and download all you know. There is ALWAYS more to learn. The minute you deem yourself a know-it-all is the precise minute you need to assess yourself, because that’s a sure sign your ego has hijacked you and stunted your growth. So tell your ego to buzz off and listen even harder.
“The sign of intelligence is that you are constantly wondering. Idiots are always dead sure about every damn thing they are doing in their life.”
“Knowledge speaks, but wisdom listens.”
And in those heated moments where you’re battling with another and spinning your wheels in conflicted frustration, the best way to defuse the situation is to take a deep breath, step back, and…L I S T E N. Truly listen. Not only will this likely disarm your “contender,” but this simple action shows you value and respect them enough to consider their view. That right there has far-reaching effects. It shifts your approach from a place of one-sided triumph and win-lose to a place of resolution and win-win. It’s a clear reflection of your respect for them and conveys your willingness to remedy the situation and meet them halfway. It can make ALL the difference.
“Listening is a very deep practice... You have to empty yourself. You have to leave space in order to listen...especially to people we think are our enemies - the ones we believe are making our situation worse.
When you have shown your capacity for listening and understanding, the other person will begin to listen to you, and you have a chance to tell him or her of your pain, and it’s your turn to be heard. This is the practice of peace.”
This is especially important when you’re feeling triggered. How many times have you been blinded by emotions/anger, then realize you misheard/misperceived the other? I know I have. Much can be lost in communication - for a number of reasons. Consider you might’ve misunderstood/assumed/pre-concluded. Hear the other out (this is where gentle paraphrasing is especially helpful!) to ensure you’re catching what they’re throwing.
And sometimes the other person won’t pay you the same respect of listening to you. It is what it is. It’s annoying as hell, sure, but you can only control yourself. Rest assured you did what you could to resolve the matter. When that happens, my tried-and-true remedy involves time and distance (and my Scream Spotify playlist I created to express the fire I feel; Body Combat also helps! ;) ).
Happy listening.
xx,
-w-
INTO the W I L D
Images by Whitney Richardson Photography'
Models: Liz Smith and Shaely Howell
“They won’t tell you fairytales
of how girls can be dangerous and still win.
They will only tell you stories
where girls are sweet and kind
and reject all sin.
I guess to them
it’s a terrifying thought,
a red riding hood
who knew exactly
what she was doing
when she invited the wild in.”
What a time to be alive. Regardless of where you fall on the feminism spectrum, it’s undeniable that women are having a moment and reclaiming their power.
We’re learning to stop apologizing for our emotions and empathy. Our nurturing and softness. Everything that makes us uniquely feminine but which is deemed “unsuitable” or “unprofessional” in the workplace. We’re challenging the double standards imposed upon us, and asserting our voice.
“good women can be wild too”
We’re also reviving our wild side. Our intensity. Our power and ferocity. Our strength and passion.
It’s not just a revolution for feminine energy. Masculinity is experiencing a significant shift as well.
With nature comes balance. Therefore every man has feminine energy, and every woman has masculine energy. Society is currently undergoing deconstruction and reconstruction of what it means to be a man or woman. Paradigms are changing. Lines are being questioned and redrawn as the framework is being renovated.
Men are humans just as much as women, and all humans experience emotions. It is unfair and destructive to deny men the social latitude for expressing their emotions.
“There is no competition among wild women. They are too damn wild to be caught in a tiny space of envy. Instead, they dance together and allow good to flow abundantly to them.”
We’re shattering notions of what is “socially acceptable” for men AND women. It’s beautiful and LONG overdue.
While listening to one of my favorite podcasters, Aubrey Marcus, I came across the following poem, which resonated deeply with me.
A wild woman is not a girlfriend. She is a relationship with nature by Alison Nappi
But can you love me in the deep? In the dark? In the thick of it?
Can you love me when I drink from the wrong bottle and slip through the crack in the floorboard?
Can you love me when I’m bigger than you, when my presence blazes like the sun does, when it hurts to look directly at me?
Can you love me then too?
Can you love me under the starry sky, shaved and smooth, my skin like liquid moonlight?
Can you love me when I am howling and furry, standing on my haunches, my lower lip stained with the blood of my last kill?
When I call down the lightning, when the sidewalks are singed by the soles of my feet, can you still love me then?
What happens when I freeze the land, and cause the dirt to harden over all the pomegranate seeds we’ve planted?
Will you trust that Spring will return?
Will you still believe me when I tell you I will become a raging river, and spill myself upon your dreams and call them to the surface of your life?
Can you trust me, even though you cannot tame me?
Can you love me, even though I am all that you fear and admire?
Will you fear my shifting shape?
Does it frighten you, when my eyes flash like your camera does?
Do you fear they will capture your soul?
Are you afraid to step into me?
The meat-eating plants and flowers armed with poisonous darts are not in my jungle to stop you from coming. Not you.
So do not worry. They belong to me, and I have invited you here.
Stay to the path revealed in the moonlight and arrive safely to the hut of Baba Yaga: the wild old wise one… she will not lead you astray if you are pure of heart.
You cannot be with the wild one if you fear the rumbling of the ground, the roar of a cascading river, the startling clap of thunder in the sky.
If you want to be safe, go back to your tiny room — the night sky is not for you.
If you want to be torn apart, come in. Be broken open and devoured. Be set ablaze in my fire.
I will not leave you as you have come: well dressed, in finely-threaded sweaters that keep out the cold.
I will leave you naked and biting. Leave you clawing at the sheets. Leave you surrounded by owls and hawks and flowers that only bloom when no one is watching.
So, come to me, and be healed in the unbearable lightness and darkness of all that you are.
There is nothing in you that can scare me. Nothing in you I will not use to make you great.
A wild woman is not a girlfriend. She is a relationship with nature. She is the source of all your primal desires, and she is the wild whipping wind that uproots the poisonous corn stalks on your neatly tilled farm.
She will plant pear trees in the wake of your disaster.
She will see to it that you shall rise again.
She is the lover who restores you to your own wild nature.
Aubrey responds by crafting his own poem:
A wild man is not a boyfriend, he is a force
Can you love me in the blinding heat of a birthing star, when I shower warmth on distant moons?
Can you love me in the hole of the cosmic Black, where no one can reach me? Not even you?
Can you love me then too?
Can you love me when I drag buffalo skulls through the dirt for days, to the rhythm of an ancient drum?
Will you love me if my beard hides the scars in my heart, from battles I cannot explain?
WIll you love me when I lack courage, when I am defeated, when I won't let you patch my wounds?
WIll you trust me when I smell of sweetgrass and sage, and when I stink of whiskey and sweat?
When I drink from the cup and play in astral light, will you anchor me to Home?
What happens when my words don't work, and I can speak with only my eyes?
Can you love me enough to let me go, without asking me where I'll be?
I am no poodle to lay groomed on a leash at your feet. I am the wolf that fetches the bones of truth.
A wild man is not a boyfriend. He's not built for animal husbandry. He is a force. He is a cause for an effect. He is a mission.
Are you afraid to let me inside you? Not just my flesh, but my soul. The wild man is neither burglar or vandal. I will not take anything from you. I will not trample on sprouting seeds or pick flowers as a trophy. I am the sun on flooded fields and the fire for tangled webs.
Don't be scared, lover, mother, maiden, crone. Take me as I am.
Even if I have the power to destroy worlds, I will not destroy you.
A wild man is a protector. A father. A warrior for all that is good.
When the chaos seeks to obliterate you, sheering your flesh from bone, I will hold all the pieces together in love, until you are ready to reassemble.
When your seas boil, and your winds throw cars at corn fields, I will wait patiently for you to catch my eye, so that both of us can laugh.
When Hell opens up the fiery gates, and sends all the cosmos against you, I plant my heels deep in the ground. I lay my shield low. My sword is sharp then, my love. The steel sings sweetly. With a smile, Hoka Hey! My last breath a farewell kiss. Today is a good day to die.
For ours is the oldest love affair. The greatest story ever told. Cupid and Psyche, Shiva and Shakti, You and I.
Same same but different. Would we have it any other way?
A wild man is not a boyfriend. He is a force.
Regardless of your current thoughts, opinions, and identification with these writings, the main takeaway is to accept yourself (and others!) in A L L of your glory. Embrace both your light and shadows. Celebrate all of your dimensions. Don’t shrink yourself to fit society. Live your truth and shine your light, thereby blazing the trail for others.
(Podcast link: https://www.aubreymarcus.com/blogs/aubrey-marcus/the-wild-woman-and-the-wild-man-with-christine-hassler-amp-176 )
(Suggested reading: The Mask of Masculinity by Lewis Howes)
xx,
-w-
“A woman in harmony with her Spirit is like a river flowing. She goes where she will without pretense...and arrives at her destination, prepared to be herself and only herself.”
