Accepting H E L P
Do you equate success with total self sufficiency? Do you derive self worth from never seeking help and always offering it?
The truth is, we ALL need help/support at some point. That’s reality. Let’s accept it.
“Sometimes asking for help is the bravest move you can make. You don’t have to go it alone.”
As Brené Brown advises, until we can receive with an open heart, we are never really giving with an open heart because our hearts aren’t fully open! When we attach judgment to receiving help, we knowingly or unknowingly attach judgment to giving help.
And accepting support strengthens both you AND the supporter.
Think on that for a minute.
Accepting help from others honors them and enables them to fulfill their purpose and use their talents. And it connects us all. Until we can receive with an open heart, we are never really giving with an open heart because our hearts aren’t fully open!
“Having someone help you simply means accepting the fact you’re not in this alone.”
It’s important to be honest with ourselves here. Let’s go deep. Do you judge others for seeking help? If you can honestly say you don’t - then wonderful. That should be relieving to you, that asking for help doesn’t necessarily trigger another’s judgment (and even if it does - that’s due to the other person’s issues/insecurities, and just because there’s judgement doesn’t mean it’s valid).
And if you do judge others for seeking help - it’s likely because you judge yourself for wanting/needing help. Does that sound fair to you? To others?
Let’s put it this way: It’s inevitable we’ll need help throughout our lives. It just is. And fighting this makes for a miserable, stunted, and complicated experience. Trying to go it alone unnecessarily challenges and limits us. Why would we do that to ourselves? Because of some misguided and superficial standard of invincibility and strength? It’s a charade. Sure, some can juggle more activities than others, but there are far more contributing factors to that “apparent ease” than meet the eye.
Consider the following:
We all have different talents, so what’s easy for you may challenge me, and vice versa, so we can’t accurately directly compare loads.
We have different complicating factors.
For example, you have a 3 month old and you and your partner are barely managing to keep both your kid and yourselves alive, while your neighbor is a single parent of 4 who seems to effortlessly juggle a job, friends, and extracurriculars, all while looking impeccable. Maybe your baby is colicky and demands to be held every second, while your neighbor is getting a full night’s sleep. That makes a big difference, yeah?
HOWEVER - PLEASE try to avoid falling into the storytelling trap! It’s a slippery slope. Try to keep it real with yourself, and not be seduced by stories your ego may generate to lift you up at others’ expense. “Oh, he’s probably able to accomplish all of that because he has XYZ advantage. It’d be easy for me, too, if I had that.” Recognizing varying complicating factors is meant to facilitate grace and remind you that you never know all of the details. It’s not meant to diminish others’ strength/accomplishments. Let’s be kind to ourselves and others! We never know the full situation.
We often only see the highlight reels.
Society perpetuates the myth that needing/seeking help is a weakness. People live under that assumption, and therefore put their best face forward, often omitting the messy details.
So let’s cut the crap and be real with ourselves and each other!
Wanna know a secret? A life hack? Something I’ve known but still have to force myself to employ (thanks to my ego/insistence on doing it all): most high-achieving, “successful” people know the value of outsourcing. Align your duties with your talents and strengths, and outsource the rest. A task that would cost you hours and headaches would be a breeze for another. Not only that - they’d likely actually enjoy it. So not only do you save yourself the misery, you save your finite time/energy for tasks at which you excel. It’s about working smarter, not harder! Quality over quantity!
Sure, there may be some things you’ll have to suck up and do - but if and when possible, prioritize and use your resources (time/energy/focus/talent) wisely. Ditch the faulty notion you’re only legitimate/worthy if you do it all. That’s a losing game. While you’re knocking yourself out trying to do it all - you’re getting lapped by others who have figured it out. And to top if off, they’re not only accomplishing more…they’re enjoying it more, too! They’re strategically targeting those tasks best aligned with their interests/strengths, thus yielding superior output..while having [more] fun.
Convinced yet?
I hope so.
xx,
-w-
Decisions, decisions...
Images by Brooke Richardson Photography
“There will be times in your life when all your instincts will tell you to do something, something that defies logic, upsets your plans, and may seem crazy to others. When that happens, you do it. Listen to your instincts and ignore everything else. Ignore logic, ignore the odds, ignore the complications, and just go for it.”
Do you typically make your decisions quickly, on instinct, or slowly?
I’m a big believer in balance being the key to life, including when it comes to decision-making. No matter which camp you generally identify with, this post offers insight on being an effective decider. Sexy stuff, I know, but you gotta admit - extremely useful.
As is often the case (at least with me), one of my strengths is also a complicating factor. In this case it’s my open-mindedness and ability to generate/consider multiple options. Awesome when you’re writing a report or devising a strategy, not so awesome when you’re just needing to buy some friggin’ shampoo.
I’m an analyst by profession and nature, so it’s my inclination to gather as much info as possible. I know all too well the feeling of paralysis by analysis. (But not with certain decisions like, you know… TATTOOS. I’ll walk into a tattoo joint and switfly decide on the spot what I’ll get permanently marked on my skin, whereas I’ve spent hours/days determining the best facial cleanser. Gotta love me.)
When I say hours/days spent researching, I’m not kidding. Down the rabbit hole I’d go. I’d look at different brand, study different types, compare various prices, weigh relevant factors. I’d scour reviews - only to emerge with my head spinning and my decision more elusive than when I started.
For the sake of time and sanity (mine and those around me!), I committed to becoming more decisive. I learned decisiveness is like a muscle: the more you exercise it, the stronger it becomes. And what makes it even easier and more effective is relaxing and learning to identify, access, and trust my intuition. Blink by Malcolm Gladwell is an insightful book on this. Highly recommend.
I noticed - and later substantiated through reading works such as Blink - the more possibilities I had to consider, the more overwhelmed I became and the harder it was to decide. Sure, you want to have options, but at some point it becomes detrimental. As it often goes, moderation is key: not too few, not too many.
Blink shares the story of a life-altering lesson learned at Chicago’s Cook County Hospital, where emergency room physicians suffered analysis paralysis when trying to diagnose patients with heart attack symptoms. Gladwell notes they discovered an algorithm containing a simple set of criteria had a higher success rate than the traditional treatment protocol Gladwell describes as “long and elaborate and -– worst of all –- maddeningly inconclusive.”
Sound familiar? Beyond a certain point, additional information, no matter how accurate or seemingly relevant it might be, can actually impede decision-making. Do less, succeed more. Or something like that. :)
We have come to confuse information with understanding. We are inundated with information, which can actually cloud our instincts and judgment. It’s good to be informed, but detrimental to be too informed. Paralysis by analysis. The key to good decision making is not knowledge. It is understanding. We are swimming in the former. We are desperately lacking in the latter.
This Freud quote echoes Gladwell’s advice:
“When making a decision of minor importance, I have always found it advantageous to consider all the pros and cons. In vital matters, however, such as the choice of a mate or a profession, the decision should come from the unconscious, from somewhere within ourselves. In the important decisions of personal life, we should be governed, I think, by the deep inner needs of our nature.”
Powerful, right? Score another one for the importance of self reflection and awareness.
When faced with decisions in life, ask: What’s your biggest goal/desire in life right now? Ask yourself which of the options (if any) align with that.
And it might take digging to distill it down into one main goal/desire. It’s a matter of sitting with yourself, letting your distracting thoughts come and go, and leveling with yourself on a spiritual level - NOT an intellectual level - and facing your inner being and letting that guide you. I think one of the biggest points to remember is to identify your fears - and not let them drive your decision(s). So maybe that’d be a helpful place to start: identifying your fear(s) and seeing if/how they’re affecting your thoughts/decisions.
Here are some concrete tips for optimal decision-making:
Know your unknowns + intelligence gaps
Know what you don’t know!
Consider varying perspectives/interpretations/options
To a point - set limits to avoid getting sucked into the abyss
Challenge assumptions
Your own and others’!
Rate your confidence level with each option
This can help you think about what you might be missing and choose the option you feel best about
Assess your immediate reaction to each option
Do you feel a sense of peace? Unease?
If you pick a difficult choice yet your heart feels at peace…that’s a good sign
Load up on the relevant info and then move on!
Distract yourself with other things. Let your subconscious handle it. Science shows this leads to superior decisions. Per Unconscious Thought Theory, your conscious mind is needed for decisions with strict rules, eg math calculations; but for decisions with large amounts of info that can be vague/conflicting, your unconscious mind is the MVP.
Remove unnecessary pressure from yourself!
Make a decision and if it didn’t yield the desired results, go from there and make another decision
Consider the worst case scenario(s) and ask yourself: Why would that be so bad?
Things are often not as dire as they seem. Asking yourself this question (repeatedly, if necessary) will guide you to your driving fear - so you can recognize and override it.
Especially when contemplating a minor decision such as an entrée or a new pair of shoes. If you end up regretting your purchase, you may be out some money and life may temporarily be sub ideal, but life will definitely go on.
Stay open and embrace uncertainty
Sometimes the easiest way to be wrong is to be certain you are right. Studies have found a strong correlation between astute decision-making and a willingness to recognize - even embrace - uncertainty. Low-ability individuals tend to overestimate their skills.
Try getting creative and innovative
Consider unconventional methods/solutions
Just because something is done a certain way doesn’t mean it always needs to be done a certain way. Progress is made through trailblazing and daring to differ
Practice on micro decisions. If you’re prone to soliciting advice on everything, practice deciding solo. If you tend to make rash judgments, try slowing down to weigh options and ask others’ perspectives.
Remember: You don’t need an answer to everything. That’s not how life works. We figure it all out by living and experiencing. By screwing up, by missing an opportunity, by seeking advice and not taking it, by taking advice wrong for us. We learn what’s important and what isn’t. Sometimes we have no clue what to do, and that’s okay. Always trust your gut and know everything will work out as it should. It always does. Relax. And love.
-w-
“In the end...we only regret the chances we didn’t take, the relationships we were afraid to pursue, and the decisions we waited too long to make.”
W E I R D O
Model: Lily Cuoio
Images by Whitney Ann Photography
“We’re all a little weird, and life’s a little weird.And when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it LOVE.”
Normalcy is an illusion.
We’re all different from one another. We’re all one of a kind. Who’s to say what is acceptable? Did we elect a Normalcy Nazi who decides what is and is not allowable? One who sets the standards to which we must conform to be considered normal? (If so, I’m staging a coup d’etat - WHO’S WITH ME?!)
See what I’m getting at? It’s all subjective y’all!
“It’s weird not to be weird. ”
You do you! If you still do care about what others think, that’s okay - no judgment here. But I highly advise you to join the “Don’t Care Club” because it is a truly liberating way to live.
Try to slowly wean yourself off of contemplating how others will perceive you. It’s a muscle - exercise it. Just like with regular muscles like quads or biceps, some people are born with stronger “so what” muscles than others. Does that mean you’re doomed to a fate of weakness in that particular area? Hell to the no. Just do exercises to strengthen it. BOOM.
For example, if there’s an outfit you REALLLLY want to wear but feel people would consider you under/over dressed - you wear that outfit! I do it all the dang time. I’m almost always over-dressed for events. Is it because I’m unclear on the proposed dress code, or unsure of what others will be wearing? N O P E. It’s because I choose to honor my style. And when you live in a smaller city like mine, you must create your own opportunities and grab any chance to wear those bougy heels you just got. Will you get looks? Most likely. But try to learn to be okay with that discomfort. I’ve been fortunate in that I was born with a pretty strong “screw it” muscle, but it still gets tested time to time. There is an ENTIRE WORLD on the other side of your fear of judgment. A pretty rad world, I gotta admit.
If you’re a parent, hopefully you’ll extend this freedom to your kids as well. I’m not a parent myself but can appreciate how tough it is, so these next words are by no means parent shaming or judging. I was talking with a friend once who didn’t want their kid to do a certain (common!) extracurricular activity for fear others would perceive the kid as a weirdo or a nerd.
I urge you to ask yourself what message this sends your kid? That they must repress/deny their interests/talents in favor of others’ opinions? For fear of earning a certain label? What if that activity lights your kid up like nothing else and brings them pure bliss - would you still deny them the opportunity? Or what if the kid has world class talent in that area, and you’re blocking that opportunity for a bright future purely out of fear of a short-lived junior high/high school status? This also sends a message of conditional acceptance, and discourages authenticity.
What a beautiful world we live in BECAUSE of variety. Think of most of the musical/literary geniuses out there. Many of them admit to being ostracized in school for being different - yet look where that weirdness got them!
“What makes you different or weird - that’s your strength.”
Plus, out-of-the-box thinking is what generates societal and technological advances! Creative thinking is usually what yields ingenious solutions to problems.
And what about nature? Think of all of the different flora and fauna on earth. How boring it would be if we only had brown cats and red tulips (adios carne asada, peace out pepperoni pizza, ciao calla lillies).
One of my best amigas handled a related situation with her daughter brilliantly. Her daughter wanted to wear her shoes on the “wrong” feet: her left shoe on her right foot, and vice versa. Rather than immediately shutting her down, my friend gently responded with a compromise that honored her little girl’s uniqueness, but also accommodated the typical way. She replied by acknowledging her daughter’s individuality and creativity, and offered, “The typical way of wearing shoes is with your left shoot on the left foot, and right shoot on the right foot. How about when you go to school, you wear them that way, and when you’re not at school, you can wear them how you would like?” Well played.
One of my major life approaches is to live and let live. As long as your weirdness doesn’t cause hurt or destruction, what’s the harm?
“Be weird. Be random. Be who you are. Because you never know who would love the person you hide.”
Know this: You can count on others having an opinion, no matter WHAT you do. But are you ready to reclaim your power and your life? Stop letting others control your life for you, via their judgments?
“It’s not really my problem if they think I’m weird.”
Have the courage to live your truth!!
Love you, you weirdos.
xx,
-w-
PERSONAL * E V O L U T I O N
Images by Brooke Richardson Photography
“You are being presented with a choice: evolve or remain. If you choose to remain unchanged, you will be presented with the same challenges, the same routine, the same storms, the same situations, until you learn from them, until you love yourself enough to say “no more” until you choose change.
If you choose to evolve, you will connect with the strength within you, you will explore what lies outside the comfort zone, you will awaken to love, you will become, you will be. You have everything you need. Choose to evolve. Choose love.”
A friend asked me the other day if I've always been the way I am. (generally speaking). My response was no, I haven't been. Sure, I've always been independent and driven and disciplined. I've always been creative, I've always loved reading, and I've always adored fashion.
But I've definitely evolved.
Though I've always had a fire and open mind, I've learned to soften one and strengthen the other. (You should've met me when I was a walking paradox of a kid: extremely polite and sweet, yet a total and complete spitfire!) I learned to tame the fire (not extinguish - gotta have some!!!) but not be so hard on myself and others. I polished the rough edges, so to speak.
I learned to channel that fire more constructively. I learned to allow myself and others more grace, and realized all you can do is your best. In the words of the legendary Tony Horton, "Do your best and forget the rest." I learned to catch my breath every once in awhile, to celebrate victories and high five myself and others.
A key element to lasting happiness and success is our capacity to evolve. To not only recognize our areas for growth, but to act on them. It's not enough to just acknowledge where you could use some work. You must actually step up and do something about it. It's seductively easy to just cop out by saying, "That's just the way I am." Don't confuse self indulgence with self acceptance. You're doing yourself - and others - a disservice by robbing the world of your potential. Not only that, you're preventing your level-up and all the bliss and amplified success that brings!
To clarify: You should absolutely accept yourself where you are. You must love - not hate - yourself to improvement and happiness. It's much easier and more enduring and effective this way, TRUST ME.
But please don't just fall back on a mistaken "self acceptance" crutch. "I have a bad temper - that's just the way I am." "I'm a jealous person because of XYZ." "I lash out when I'm stressed." "I'm pessimistic - I've always been that way." First of all, snaps for acknowledging that. Second of all...whatchu gonna do about it??? In the nicest way possible, so what?! Why are you not doing something about it? What's keeping you from working on it? It's not about the hand you're dealt (we all have crappy cards in our stack - some more than others) it's how you play it.
As I discussed in an earlier post, we all have shadow sides. All of us have aspects about ourselves we and others may find less than desirable. What sets the truly happy and successful people apart from the unhappy and struggling people is simply the shadow work. Being willing and able to be honest with yourself and not let yourself off the hook. Being gentle and honest with yourself is a fantastic start, but it doesn't stop there. Why not take yourself as far as you can go?!
One of the attributes I like most about myself is my inclination to not only recognize my flaws, but to strive to eliminate/strengthen them. Very rarely do I have bad days or lasting bad moods, and I attribute this to my commitment to my personal evolution. I dig deeply to uncover why I have the struggles I do. I determine cause and effect, and reflect on ways I can mitigate/improve/eliminate these struggles.
“In every moment ask yourself: ‘What is the lesson being offered to me?’”
In the past, I was less than nice to myself during this process. My inner voice could be pretty scathing. What helped me transform it into an enjoyable (no, really!) process was to re-frame it! I simply accepted I'm a perpetual work in progress, so I might as well have fun on the ride. I praise my commitment to be my best self, and express gratitude for opportunities (disguised as frustrations/"failures"/annoyances) which highlight areas needing attention and allow me to become better. It's not always fun - there are discouraging moments, sure - but overall, knowing that I've come a long way excites, reassures, and invigorates me. I get pumped knowing my efforts are helping me become even better, happier, and more successful. They're allowing me to become my best me.
“Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.”
This doesn't mean I totally condemn the Whitney of the past. I know she was doing her best with what she had. We all have to start somewhere, and we don't all have the same struggles. What's easy for you may challenge me, and vice versa, so don't get all judgy with yourself or others. All that matters is you're moving forward.
Happy evolving!
xx,
-w-
