Human Racing: The Struggle IS Real
Think of something you should do for your ultimate good but don’t do - or haven’t done consistently. Maybe it’s exercising. Maybe it’s budgeting. Maybe it’s drinking more water, or getting more sleep. Maybe it’s something finite, like leaving a stagnant partnership or a toxic job.
So…why haven’t you? Why don’t you? You know you should. You know doing so would yield health, wellness, success, and fulfillment, get you closer to where you [presumably] want to be.
Okay, grilling over. I’m willing to bet you have at least one “reason” (clearly solid enough to keep you from doing the thing(s) because…they have kept you). I’m not the judge. I’m not here to accept or reject those reasons - I’m here to offer perspective.
Let’s start with working out. Perhaps you lack motivation, or energy. Maybe you’re overwhelmed with where to start. Maybe you have lingering injuries. Maybe you’ve resigned yourself to your current “fitness” level.
Maybe you are depressed and emotionally spend, just for a quick pick-me-up. Maybe your parents lived beyond their means and taught you credit card debt is simply a way of modern life. Maybe you feel you DESERVE the finer things in life, and are determined to have them, regardless the size of your bank account.
Okay, now what if you actually have been doing those things? Maybe you HAVE been disciplined. Maybe you HAVE been busting your butt in the gym. Maybe you have been spending responsibly and saving money. Maybe you have been hydrating and prioritizing sleep - yet your results don’t reflect your work.
Maybe you lack the muscle definition you feel your efforts your warrant, despite giving it your all in the gym six days a week (3 of those with a personal trainer) and fully adhering to your nutritionist’s guidance. You’re frustrated and exhausted - and disheartened as you compare yourself to your friend who drinks like a fish, survives on junk food, avoids the fitness world, and yet still maintains a four-pack of abs. You’re maxing out on people’s snide comments and “helpful” suggestions for fitness and diet regimens. If they only knew how hard you’ve been working! WHY is there such a disconnect between your efforts and your results?
Maybe you’ve been tracking spending, avoiding unnecessary expenses, working extra jobs, yet still not seeing your savings account grow. You’ve been cooking your meals, DIYing your projects, and managing your time, and STILL not financially secure. It seems every time you turn around, unexpected expenses arise: medical bills, car repairs, home expenses, etc. Perhaps times have been especially tough since being economically affected by the pandemic. Whatever the factor(s), no matter how much you labor and wisely you manage your money, you just can’t get ahead. You’re barely surviving, and even that’s in jeopardy.
What if you prioritized your sleep and jealously guarded it? You practiced impeccable sleep hygiene and sacrificed social events to ensure adequate shut eye - yet were still constantly dragging?
Life happens, right? Sure, some of it we can control, through habits and mindset. But what about what we can’t control? What if we have a medical condition impeding our ability to exercise or lose weight? We may look okay to outside observers, but in reality, we’re battling chronic fatigue, or asthma, or debilitating pain. We may have severe depression or anxiety, or PTSD, impacting our ability to function. We could have raging insomnia and no drug, device, or dogma has resolved it, so we live life in a sleep-deprived blur, doing what we can just to make it through each day. Others deem us lazy and unmotivated and responsible for our lack of “progress.”
Okay, you get the idea. I could rattle off countless more possibilities and conditions beyond our control.
Yes, we all have challenges and obstacles. Maybe you feel like you’ve lived a relatively charmed life. Maybe you feel you’ve had a moderate amount of trials. Maybe you feel like you really got screwed and that you’ve had a disproportionate number of (continuing) hardships. Sometimes that’s our reality - sometimes it’s simply our mindset.
Think of someone you personally know - or even just someone you’ve read/heard about - who seems to get punched again and again by life. Loss after loss, while those around them make it through life relatively unscathed.
Now think of groups of people who seem perpetually stuck: touched by crime, poverty, drugs, etc. Generation after generation, the majority of these groups’ individuals stay down. If only they’d try harder, right? If only they’d work harder and complain less. If only they’d take responsibility for their lives and quit mooching. If only they’d “lift themselves up by their bootstraps.” If only they’d stop making excuses for why they aren’t where they want to be.
Speaking of excuses for not being where one wants to be…does that sound familiar? Let’s circle back to the start of this post (thanks for staying with me this long!). Think of your own life. Are you where you want to be, in EVERY single way? If not - why not?
Could anyone look at your life and say you are succeeding in every possible way?
Of course not. Why of course not? Because for one, nobody is perfect. For two, people have varying definitions of success, and they’re often not aligned. One’s definition of success is largely dependent on their culture, their insecurities, their mindset, their history - and a number of other influential factors. My personal definition of success (and happiness) may differ from a hustling businessperson’s, or a worshipping zealot’s. For three, people can’t and don’t know every thing about your life: every silent struggle you’ve overcome, every private victory you’ve achieved, every obstacle you’ve faced. Therefore, they can’t accurately judge you and your “success.” Besides, who are they to judge your success?
And along that line of reasoning…who are WE to judge others’? Who are we to say what others could and should do/not do? Who are we to assess others’ progress?
Think of something that happened in your past - or even your family’s past - that still affects you now, personally/professionally/financially/emotionally. Maybe a cheating business partner, or disabled family member, or negligent caregiver. Ripple effects, right?
Maybe a teacher’s careless remark designating you as “dumb” was enough to kill your sense of self-efficacy and hopes of ever being intelligent, educated, or making something of yourself. Something so simple right? Yet…SO.POWERFUL.
Maybe it was something as major as growing up in an environment with filled with addiction, dysfunction, and destitution, and you took it upon yourself to raise and support not only yourself, but your younger siblings, changing the trajectory of your life.
Think of the last time you were ravenous, and were so consumed by hunger you couldn’t think of or do anything else. What if you experienced this daily, as many kids do? Think of the cumulative impact this would have on your schoolwork, on your relations, on your ambitions. On your health and development.
Think of the last time you were emotionally distraught, or significantly stressed - particularly due to a personal matter. Think of the reaching impact this can have.
Think of kids being kept up all night, night after night, with abusive parents, then having to attend school. Think of how this would affect their schoolwork, their psyche, their relationships - now and in the future. And before you condemn the parents - think of them being subjected to similar experiences in their youth, setting them up to repeat the cycle - life as they know it.
So you see how even past atrocities and problems and issues can still be felt and seen in the present. Generational trauma is a thing. Cycles are a thing.
Now think of just the regular “bangs and bruises” all humans normally accumulate in life, affecting how we view and live life and how easy/hard it seems to do so. Think of your own, especially bruises perhaps of which only you are aware; bruises that may seem minor, yet still keep you from doing what you need/want to do.
Could people technically overcome? Sure. There are others who have defied the odds, triumphed over tribulations, transcended the difficult - who have proven it possible. And yes, those overcomers should be applauded and celebrated. But is it fair to expect - demand - the same outcome for all? To blame those who fall short of that? To disregard the contributing, relevant factors for one’s current position?
We don’t all start at the same starting line. There’s one human race - but there’s not one race for humans. We’re not all participating in the same “race” (and let’s bag the concept of us racing each other anyway, yeah? It’s ludicrous, misleading, depressing, and hindering) - so why would we hold everyone to the same mile markers? Why would we not account for people’s starting points?
One of the main takeaways here is there is an infinite number of factors determining why we are the way we are. No matter how similar two people are, they are never quite the same. Thus, it’s unreasonable, unfair, and illogical to think we can truly and accurately judge another, let alone entire demographics of people.
Generalizing is often dangerous, and unwise - for multiple reasons. Let’s see the humans in our humanity. Let’s see the individual, and the unique stories we each have. Let’s respect our individual blend of ingredients we each have.
Does this mean I don’t believe in self-realization and independence? Definitely not. I absolutely believe in the power of hard work, responsibility, resilience, discipline, tenacity, mindset, and playing the hand we were dealt. But I also believe in grace. In being slow to criticize and fast to empathize. As with anything else in life, I believe it’s about balance. And love. Always love.
love you.
-w-
What Self Love REALLY Looks Like
“I learned a long time ago the wisest thing I can do is be on my own side.”
This topic was requested by a follower, with the acknowledgement that it “already is talked about so much, but we need it more than ever.” WORD. That’s exactly right.
Opinions and guidance on this topic are ubiquitous. It’s constantly referenced and encouraged and celebrated and highlighted. And it should be, don’t get me wrong. But. I think much of that guidance is incomplete. Dare I say much of it (though not intentionally) misleads?
Here’s why.
Self care we often hear about entails feel-good self care. Immediate, automatically-soothing self care. You know, massages, baths, naps, etc. Don’t get me wrong: these are an integral part of self care, but they’re just that: a part. If you rely solely on them, you’ll only get partial (and temporary) results.
Think about your personal experience with the lighter side of self care. Does it feel like you can never get enough? Like you’re always in the hole? Do you feel like even when you get a massage, or extra sleep, and though it feels good in the moment, it doesn’t quite hit the TRUE spot? It doesn’t extend far down enough, as if maybe all the bubble baths in the world won’t quite ease the heaviness.
So what else does self care entail, particularly if you want lasting, true results? Results as in a life and body you don’t constantly need to recover from/escape?
Self reflection. I’m not talking the surface self check ins, safe from the reach of heaviness and repressed emotions. I’m talking DIGGING IN. Getting still and real with yourself. Leaning into your shadows. Facing the stuff that brings you to your knees. Practicing radical self honesty. Staying put - physically, mentally, and emotionally - and riding the waves of shame. Gritting your teeth and illuminating those areas where you feel scared, inadequate, defeated. Unpacking why you feel what you feel. Gently but firmly leveling with yourself.
While this can all be done on your own, it also helps to have a caring, objective, and honest third party to spotlight your blind spots and offer perspective. This can be a therapist or trusted confidant. While I highly recommend it - outside perspectives can be invaluable - it’s also crucial you learn to sit with yourself, and truly explore your depths alone. Without distraction.
Walk through the fire. The fire that cleanses and purifies. Just dancing around it with affirmations and inspirational quotes won’t do it. Again, I strongly advocate affirmations and inspirational quotes, but they’re not a cure-all. They’re just part of your toolbox. The fire is there, waiting to burn away what no longer serves you, and forge you into whom you were meant - and deserve - to be. I see self love as a mode of self empowerment.
Self love calls for you to honor yourself, which means not betraying yourself.
Not betraying your truth. Not violating your boundaries - with yourself and others. Not carrying what isn’t yours to carry.
I’ll share a personal story of how I learned I was betraying myself. You might relate.
I’ve been single for almost all of my life. As I outlined in a previous social media post, I don’t believe there’s a simple, reductive reason why. As with anyone, there are multiple contributing factors to why we’re each in our current life statuses, right?
For many years I let myself believe I was perma-single because I was somehow…deficient. For whatever reason. Maybe I was missing a chip preventing me from falling in love. My friends and I used to call myself the Ice Queen, for how emotionally uninvested I could be. Then in my mid-20s I fell in love (spoiler alert: didn’t last), so that wasn’t it.
Hmm, new theories. Well, maybe I’m just too picky, or independent, or commitment-averse, or wild. And/or maybe I’m a self sabotager. I mean, here I am, defying the norm and expectations by daring to still be single into my 30s. Surely that’s pathological, right? I’m supposed to be married with kids by now (or so my immediate society continually preached).
So as another relationship fell through (almost always from me bailing), these theories really solidified. My self-concept as a broken person in desperate need of healing really gelled. So with this mindset, I entered my most recent relationship. I even warned my new boyfriend my resistance would soon set in and I would start to pull away, but that he should just power through and not take it as personal. I helped set the framework of me as the problem one, and he sustained it.
Fast forward a few weeks, and the resistance was NOT. LETTING UP. In fact, it was deepening, despite my best attempts at dissolving it. We argued often and intensely. Essentially, it came down to incompatibility of our wants and needs in a relationship. Almost always, my resistance and “issues” were cited as the troublemakers.
And I allowed that. I continually beat myself up for not being a better partner. For falling short. For not doing more, being more, saying more. For feeling resistance. For feeling frustrated and resentful. Throughout my life, I’ve tried being everything to everyone: the best girlfriend, the best sister, the best friend, the best daughter, the best employee, the best light bringer, the best ally. The ultimate fixer, the savior to all. I had a few friends going through extremely tough times, and constantly being there for consumed much of my mental and emotional bandwidth. I felt depleted from giving my all…and it still wasn’t enough. So I accepted the blame for the relationship storms. Clearly, I was just too selfish. He was prioritizing me to the absolute max. Almost anything he requested, he gave: maximum time, maximum attention, maximum focus, maximum words of affirmation. Like…more than I have ever received from any one person in my entire life.
Sounds like a dream, right? Yet…
I felt…exhausted. Maybe I’d just been on my own too long. Maybe I was too set in my ways. I just needed to get over myself and prioritize him more, give him more, give him what he was wanting and needing. With this relationship, I actually truly wanted to make it work. To work through the suck, to go all in, to come out the other side. I wanted my first and lasting success story. I really cared about him.
I interpreted my resentment, anger, and frustration regarding our relationship as weaknesses, not red flags. My mistake.
Finally, he’d had enough. Resentment was building on both sides, for opposite reasons. Even though I was pissed, when he called to break it off, it still stung. I remember thinking, “Oh man. This could shatter me.” Because though I was deeply relieved, I was also [initially] deeply hurt. It felt like a giant, confirming dose of “you’re a shitty partner and will never give enough/be enough, no matter how hard you try.” Let the shame storm commence.
I bathed in the shame and dejection for about two hours. Then one of my closest friends called about something unrelated. When I broke the news to her, she immediately urged me to fight for the relationship, to not give up. To fight for my relationship with him like I’d fought for my friendship with her. As I considered it, I felt a sense of bone-deep calm wash over me. I suddenly felt completely at peace with how things turned out, and had absolutely no desire to change them.
The next day, I woke feeling hopeful. Upbeat. Later that day, my best friend called to discuss the breakup. Though I didn’t feel down and out like I expected, I still carried the heaviness of believing the failed relationship was largely my fault. I viewed it as confirmation I simply wasn’t cut out for a lasting relationship, and I would just make peace with that.
Thank god my best amiga is as wise as she is. As always, she listened actively and patiently, then cut through the noise, straight to the core. She noted how I’d never faulted or shamed him for his needs. She also gently averred I wasn’t honoring MY needs. I was so focused on his unmet needs, I wasn’t asserting my own.
It was one of THE biggest clarifying moments of my entire life. Total breakthrough. I’d recently vaguely started to notice I’d always been more concerned with what I brought to relationships than what I wanted/required from them. I’m not saying I’m a total innocent, who only gives and never takes (in relationships or in general). That’s definitely not true. But, in trying to be everything to everyone, I’d lost myself. I’d not only stopped advocating for what I needed/wanted, I also stopped identifying what I needed/wanted.
(Stay with me - I’m tying this back into self love, I swear!) Not only that, as my bestie pointed out, I also wasn’t honoring my intuition. The signs my mind, soul, and body were repeatedly giving me telling me the relationship wasn’t a true, lasting fit.
I had effectively, yet unintentionally, betrayed myself. I betrayed myself by not setting and honoring boundaries with myself and others. I betrayed myself by accepting blame that wasn’t mine. By carrying what wasn’t mine to carry. By not knowing and communicating and respecting my wants and needs. By overriding my intuition.
I’ll be honest, sharing this story was…tough. My default has always been to take the blame. Part of this is from my past, and part of this is because I feared if I unapologetically spoke my truth, people would think me arrogant, narcissistic, self-unaware, and untrustworthy. I always felt compelled to both internally and externally step up and accept the heat. That’s what evolved people do, that’s what leaders do, that’s what self-aware people do.
But now I’ve realized there’s more to it than that. Being self aware and unapologetic aren’t mutually exclusive. It’s okay to tell my truth untempered by self deprecation. This doesn’t mean I don’t see or admit my faults. I absolutely do, and am forever committed to personal development. But I am also done with taking on what isn’t mine. I’m done worrying about being/appearing selfish and unaware. Not everyone will understand, and agree. I relieve myself of the expectation to convince others, and I relieve others of the expectation to validate me. All I can do is live and speak my truth; how others receive it is their business.
I’m done mistrusting myself. I’m done abandoning myself in the name of self awareness.
I will continue to seek opportunities and feedback to learn and grow, but I won’t lose myself in the process.
The process of honoring, loving, respecting, and empowering yourself isn’t gentle…but it’s transformative. It’ll bring you relief like you’ve never before experienced in your life. Earth-shattering, authentic relief. Peace. Well-being.
I speak from experience. Ever since that post-breakup conversation with my bestie two months ago, something clicked. I’ve been transformed. I returned to myself. I shed the shame and the guilt and the burden I’d been carrying virtually my entire life. I reclaimed my power, my truth. My LOVE. This might sound hyperbolic and dramatic, but remember what I said about speaking my truth? You don’t have to believe me, but I can unequivocally say I’ve been utterly euphoric. I’ve been flooded with happiness, gratitude, acceptance, and peace. I’d wake with a giant smile on my face (even at 4 am), and it didn’t stop until I easily drifted off to sleep that night. I had more patience, more clarity, more brainpower. It actually concerned me at first: I’d just been dumped, how could I feel on top of the world? Surely this was a false high, part of the healing process. The calm before the storm. A delayed processing of emotions, the “denial” phase of the grieving process. I’d probs crash in a few days. And yet…no crash. I’m still consistently riding cloud nine.
I’ve always been happy and grateful overall but this is different. I feel so stable, so solid, so FULFILLED.
And I credit this to coming back to myself. Honoring and respecting myself, in every way. Even if it inconveniences others, even if it disagrees with others. This doesn’t mean I won’t honor and respect them too - it’s not all about me and getting mine. It’s about balancing, and ensuring I don’t lose myself in accommodating others.
Essentially, it comes down to taking responsibility for ourselves: for our wellbeing, for our actions, for our reactions, for our beliefs, for our thoughts. For our wants and our needs. For our voids. For our validation. For our truth. For our potential.
We’re all capable of being toxic. None of us are perfect. Nobody always gets it right. Not one person is 100% innocent 100% of the time. We all have bangs and bruises from life (some more severe than others’) that can continue to impact our life and others’. Life might’ve dealt us a tough hand (some tougher than others). Sure, it’s important to grant ourselves grace and empathy. However, comprehensive self love extends beyond that. Our response, our healing, is on us - so we don’t bleed onto others.
“To heal your wounds is one of the most powerful expressions of self love.”
It’s not my job to “fix” others. And let’s be honest, to think it is is actually (though well-intentioned) arrogant and disrespectful to them, their journey, and their capabilities. Again, we’re each responsible for ourselves. I will be the best friend, partner, family member, and human I can be, but I must honor my limits and boundaries. I am done carrying what’s not mine.
If I truly want to help others and contribute to the highest good, the best things I can do are continue to self reflect and love myself.
However, self reflection and self healing can also be a slippery slope I’ve skidded down most of my life. Solely seeing myself as perpetually “needing healing” contributed to my “broken” self concept, allowing me to so easily fall into the relationship dynamics I did. So now I see it less as healing, and more as evolving. Growing. Opening. Manifesting. Aligning. Awakening.
“Be brave enough to take off the masks you wear out there and get to know who you are underneath. Be vulnerable enough to accept your flaws and know that they are what make you human; they are what make you real. Be confident enough to accept and cherish your strengths. Don’t minimize them or hide them... They are your beautiful gifts to share with the world. Be brave enough to say, you know what, all of this is who I am. I make so many mistakes. I can be forgetful, I am messy. But... I am doing my best with what I’ve got. And I am so proud of that. I am so proud of me. And I am proud of who I am becoming.”
I think of all the time and energy I’ve spent on disliking myself: my body, my looks, my characteristics, my capabilities. I’ve cultivated awareness of sly negative self talk. Now when body dysmporphic thoughts creep in and I start criticizing my body, I stop and think, “What a waste of time and energy. I could use this energy to do something productive and useful.” That didn’t come automatically. It took time to lay the groundwork and build awareness and annihilate those thoughts (fun fact: a definition of annihilate is to convert into radiant energy).
These days I’m much more intentional about what I allow into my life and how I spend my energy. If it’s not a good fit, I release it. This goes for people, opportunities, thoughts, etc. Not because I think I’m superior, but because I love and trust myself, and am committed to my health and my growth.
Loving ourselves is accepting ourselves. Our incongruences. Our oddities. Our “flaws.” Our quirks. Our layers. Accepting ourselves, but not sliding into complacency or self denial. Accepting ourselves while becoming the best version of ourselves. Doing right by us while doing right by others.
Both the lighter and heavier sides of self care aren’t intended to be one and done. They’re maintenance measures, intended to be repeated. It’s a journey, a process. An awakening. As long as we keep living, we gotta keep loving.
So here’s to cherishing ourselves. Accepting compliments. Owning our strengths. Honing our growth areas. Respecting our boundaries. Speaking well of ourselves. Fueling ourselves. Prioritizing ourselves. Giving and receiving love. BECAUSE WE DESERVE IT.
P U R P O S E
Model Nicole Spinnler
Images + styling by Whitney Richardson Photography
Assisted by Cari Spinnler
MUA Hyun-Joo Rina Shin
“So Whit, do you think our goal is comfort and happiness or to do epic shit? ‘Cause I don’t think you can do both.”
Personally, I feel our collective purpose is to live and to grow, to be present and enjoy life.
That doesn’t mean life will be easy, and that we should avoid the hard stuff and resist the trials. It means we should find beauty and meaning and purpose in it all. We should celebrate. I think it’s about identifying and aligning with your purpose, and identifying what you personally need to grow, and to contribute the most value to the world. Not to your accomplishment record, but to the world.
“When we match compassion with purpose, we begin to change the world.”
Some people’s purposes require high-profile roles; some slower paced and more low key. I think aligning with your true purpose and talents and potential allows you to work smarter. It allows you to focus and leverage your talents and skills for maximum impact, which helps you feel fulfilled, motivated, engaged, and progressive.
“Find the WHY in what you do and you will always be on the right path.”
Everybody is different. We’re all on different places on the balance spectrum, and require different lifestyles to balance us. That’s why self awareness is key: We need to reflect and do our shadow work and level with ourselves, to know where to step it up + venture out (literally/figuratively) and where to pump the brakes and ease up.
“The purpose of life, after all, is to live it, to taste experience to the utmost, to reach out eagerly and without fear for newer and richer experience.”
Ask yourself: What are my motivations (in life in general, and for denying/accepting individual opportunities)? Am I copping out and staying in my comfort zone because I’m scared? Am I staying busy to avoid facing something? Am I taking this opportunity because I feel pressured (by family/friends/society/others)? Am I chasing a certain lifestyle/income/status because society exalts it? Does this resonate with me?
I think that last question is key: opting only for what truly resonates with you. And a good gauge is choosing opportunities that scare you, or opportunities that light you on fire.
I’ve had multiple opportunities to move to DC to work. It’d be catalytic for my career, but I know it’s not ultimately where I belong. I wouldn’t be happy there. My money/time/energy would be better spent invested in a place and position aligned with my purpose and desires. At the end of the day, my career might be popping but my personal life and fulfillment would suffer. And isn’t that what matters most in the end? To what everyone seems to circle back, and ultimately discover? Isn’t that what people seem to realize after living certain lifestyles? And that’s not to say that specific lifestyle is sans value. For some, that fits their purpose/personal preference, and would leave them the happiest. It can be tough distinguishing between what you’re resisting because of fear, or because of intuition (ie sending it’s wrong for you).
This is why it’s important to learn to tune into yourself. Get to know yourself. Identify your thought patterns, particularly those based in fear. Understand why you do what you do and think what you think, to help you recognize when you’re being led by fear/trauma, and when you’re being led by intuition/wisdom. Practice separating from your thoughts, your mental narrative. Get comfortable dialing into your core, your true self, your inner wisdom. You know what you need. You always have, and you always will. It’s simply a matter of you holding space for yourself to acknowledge and honor your inner guidance.
“The real joy in life comes from finding your true purpose and aligning it with what you do every single day.”
This I know for sure: You can live a meaningful and fulfilling life wherever you are. It’s not the outer climate that matters, it’s your inner climate. You can have a profound impact on people whether you’re living in a small town or a booming metropolis, whether you’re a globe-trotting activist or stay-at-home parent, whether you’re a high-powered broker or a hometown hero. This is ever more true, with technology shrinking our world and allowing more connections than ever.
The goal: do you, and be happy doing it.
xx,
-w-
“Every human being has a gift of genius and a personal calling encoded in them from birth. It is up to you to discover it, to develop it, to own it, and to share this gift with the world. This is your life’s purpose.”
Helping the H U R T
Images by Abbey Armstrong Photography
Color edited by me
“Hurt people hurt people. That’s how pain patterns get passed on, generation after generation. Break the chain today. Meet anger with sympathy, contempt with compassion, cruelty with kindness. Greet grimaces with smiles. Forgive and forget about finding fault. Love is the weapon of the future. ”
In the Babemba tribe of South Africa, when a person acts irresponsibly or unjustly, he is placed in the center of the village, alone and unrestrained. All work stops, and every man, woman, and child in the village gathers in a large circle around this individual.
Next, each person in the tribe speaks to the individual, one at a time, each recalling the good things the person in the center of the circle has done in his/her lifetime. Every incident, every experience that can be recalled with any detail and accuracy, is recounted. All his/her positive attributes, good deeds, strengths, and kindnesses are recited carefully and fully. This tribal ceremony often lasts for several days.
At the end, the tribal circle is broken, a joyous celebration occurs, and the person is symbolically and literally welcomed back into the tribe.
HOW BEAUTIFUL IS THAT.
I’ll go ahead and answer my own question: phenomenally beautiful
We all know hurt people hurt people, right? If you didn’t realize that then, well, now you know. It’ll explain A LOT on why people do what they do.
If people are acting a fool and are being rude/unkind/inconsiderate/nasty/etc, it’s because they’re not right with themselves. They’re insecure/traumatized/etc. They’re so consumed by pain and negativity, they have little to no capacity for empathy and love. And since anger feels better than pain/shame, people lash out. Here are some examples of people masking their pain/insecurity with hatorade:
An employee vilifying their boss for not promoting them
A jealous person blaming the other woman/man for “seducing” their partner (“You homewrecker! You ruined my relationship!”)
A business owner demonizing a competitor
An individual reviling a provider of well-intentioned constructive feedback
We could go pretty deep here exploring the many elements to this, but suffice it to say: Hurt people hurt people.
I’m grateful I realized this truth early on in my life. It’s softened the blow when I’ve had venom spit my way, or faced betrayal. Don’t get it twisted: it can still sting, but at least I understand the cause, and know not to take it personally. That’s crazy liberating. It’s like there’s an invisible bubble protecting your sense of self worth, deflecting the hate and doubt from permeating.
And just because you empathize with the causes of someone’s negative behavior doesn’t mean you condone it. That’s where boundaries come in. You can still love them while making it clear certain words/actions are unacceptable.
And also - and this can really bite the big one - be wise and humble enough to recognize the truth bombs in negative feedback. Sure, that person’s delivery could REALLY USE SOME FRIGGIN’ POLISHING, but try to remain open. Try not to shy away from reflection. View it as an opportunity to become even more of an allstar. If the feedback hit a nerve, that right there reveals an unhealed part of you. Lean into it. Figure out why.
And maybe the affected nerve is the one of caring too much of others’ opinions, and requiring external validation. The key to making it through the cleansing - but often brutal - fire of negativity-inspired self reflection is to operate on a solid foundation of self love. Knowing your shadows don’t define/control you, and neither do others’ opinions. Knowing you’re strong enough to brave the blows and use them to become even STRONGER and more self aware. Knowing you can directly face the negativity and extract what you need to evolve and get better, not bitter. This comes from loving yourself through ALL of your phases, even the ones where you feel beaten down or less than. You may not feel you’re quite there yet, but it is absolutely within your reach.
“The hardest thing in the entire world is to remain kind even when people aren’t. Remain honest even when you’re met with lies. Remain good even when things go terribly. And above all, understand the pain and heartbreak you feel isn’t a reflection of something you’ve done wrong or anything you lack. When people hurt you that means there is pain within them and something they lack that they haven’t figured out how to process or heal from. Hurt people hurt people. But don’t let them change you. Understand those are the people who need love the most.”
So I was listening to a podcast with Marianne Williamson on Oprah’s SuperSoul Conversations. Marianne introduced a novel perspective:
When people are physically injured, we typically react with compassion, and usually try to help. You’re bleeding, I’mma grab a bandage/tourniquet/etc. But if someone shows us (intentionally or - more often - unintentionally) their insecurities/traumas/etc, it’s easier for us to ignore/judge/dismiss. But they’re the people who need the most compassion!
Sure, as I mentioned, boundaries are key. You can empathize with people and not condone certain behavior, and it can be tricky distinguishing between empathizing and enabling. But no matter what, you can always offer love and kindness. Sometimes this must be from afar, but love is always the answer. We all get “hurt” and all need love. Some are better at healing themselves than others, but we all have healing power within us we can apply to both ourselves and others.
xx,
-w-
F I E S T A like there's NO MANAÑA
Images by Brooke Richardson Photography
“Life should not only be lived, it should be celebrated.”
I love celebrating. Celebrating people. Events. Ideas. Progress. Being alive. Tacos.
To me, life is meant to be celebrated.
And as you can see from my examples, I’m an equal opportunity celebrator. Life itself is a celebratable moment. Celebrate the small and big wins
Celebrate getting out of bed in the morning. Celebrate choosing water over soda. Celebrate your decision to choose love over judgment (toward yourself/others). Celebrate overcoming fear. Celebrate your promotion, your new commitment to a life of health + purpose. Celebrate a perfect record of overcoming everything life has thrown at you. Celebrate being ALIVE.
I truly feel this is one of the keys to a truly happy life.
“The more you celebrate your life, the more there is in life to celebrate.”
And I believe people are meant to be celebrated. That’s why I love birthdays so much. Birthdays are an opportunity to celebrate that person’s existence, and their latest trip around the sun.
Celebrating is a way to show our gratitude for what we have. A way to express our appreciation for our blessings in life. A way to say thank you to yourself, to others, to the universe/higher power. And gratitude is ESSENTIAL in life.
Sure, it’s important to exercise discipline, and work hard. As with everything else in life, it’s about balance. But to achieve true balance, we should regularly acknowledge our wins. Not be so consumed by our ambitions that we fail to recognize our accomplishments, and what has gone well in our lives. It’s easy to be consumed by the daily minutiae, or our major objectives. Celebrate the steps you’ve taken, the hills you’ve climbed, the obstacles you’ve overcome on your way to that peak. Don’t wait until you’ve summited to high five yourself/others.
Small celebrations sustain us along the way. Because guess what’s happening along the way? Life. Life is happening as we’re working toward our goal(s). And life is meant to be celebrated.
Celebrations can take many forms. They don’t have to come in the form of huge bash with confetti (though those are fun too!). Here are some others ways you can celebrate:
Send your friend a thoughtful, appreciative note/text
Take a luxurious bubble bath
Eat your favorite meal
Treat yourself to a massage
Buy someone a thoughtful gift
Allow yourself extra alone time
Booking a photo shoot to show your progress
The options are endless!
Celebrate others. Celebrate life. Celebrate YOU.
xx,
-w-
Eating vs. Getting Bread
Images by Abbey Armstrong Photography
Color edited by me
“Success is not counted by how high you have climbed, but by how many people you have brought with you.”
You know how drive + hustle are glorified? We’re told to strive for more: more money, more recognition, more ______.
I personally take issue with that. Why?
Because we are all different, with different dreams, different definitions of success, different ideas of happiness.
“Success. There is no one definition. Everyone’s success is different. You can’t compare your success to someone else’s.”
For some, happiness means a simple, stable, routine life: working, hanging with family/friends, etc. Who are we to say that’s unacceptable? Who are we to define happiness for others?
Sure, it’s important to ensure you’re not merely seduced into complacency by your fear/comfort zone. And I don’t think a non-hustling life releases anyone from striving to be the best person they can be - that’s a human responsibility, independent of lifestyle choice.
But let’s live and let live! Happiness is different for everybody. Values vary.
“It is not success if you’re unhappy.”
What a CEO considers a successful life may not match a schoolteacher’s idea of such. To some, success means total financial independence with a sizable savings account. To others, success may mean freedom to travel the world and try new endeavors. To still others, success may be leaving a profound legacy of improvement and change.
Cool, man! It takes all kinds to make (and balance!) a world. It would be too chaotic if we were all overachievers. Dare to live your truth, “motivational” quotes be damned. We all have roles to play, and contributions to make. We all have value to add.
So decide for YOU and ask yourself: What is my definition of success? What does happiness look like for me? By what standards will I measure myself?
And don’t forget this important part: Be okay with and detached from others’ standards they may try to apply to you. Stand solid if they attempt to recruit you to their way of life. Smile if they try to nudge you in a certain direction. Realize we’re all on our own journey, trying to figure life out and orient ourselves in the world. Not everybody will accept you and get you, and THAT’S OK. It really is. It’s wildly liberating once you realize that.
“People should determine their personal definition nof success and release others’ definitions of success.”
Know you. Do you. Love you.
-w-
“Try not to be a person of success, but a person of value.”